So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
