i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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