even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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