Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
