If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
