someone owes me an orgasm
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
