the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
