My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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