you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
