I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm passing your future prison.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
