i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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