it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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