community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize