Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
