This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
