So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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