wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
