Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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