I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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