non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
