So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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