I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
