O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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