nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
