I'm gonna have a badass scar
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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