is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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