You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You're a waste of cheezeits
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
