weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
