I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
