Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
