I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
