I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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