Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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