I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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