No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I FOUND THE LEGS
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
