I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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