Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
