Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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