There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
