Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
