He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
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