Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
