I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
