My girlfriend figured out who you are.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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