im drinking this country out of the recession.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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