I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Fuck appropriateness.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
