I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
