woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
