Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
