Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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