I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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