Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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