I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
