My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
