My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
