Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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