just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
