he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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