I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
