I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
