6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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