Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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