please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
