Swine flu. Run for my life!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize